Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
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