I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Randomize
