I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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