I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
