we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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