I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
