Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
