my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Randomize
