What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
