i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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