I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Randomize
