that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
