i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
