i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
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