He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
