Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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