i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
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