i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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