Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
