'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
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