Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
