3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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