just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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