I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
