So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
