I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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