Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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