So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
