I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
