well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
