tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Randomize
