I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
