dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
