I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
