That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
