Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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