She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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