Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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