I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
He has the fingertips of a God
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
