I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
