matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
