if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
