woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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