For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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