I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
