Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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