The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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