i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
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