Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
