If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Randomize
