Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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