dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
