90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
