I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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